I really am but I am not sure whether that alone is making me become my own worse enemy?
Its that time of year again.
The lead up.
And I always have believed that its the lead up that is worse than the actual event itself.
I am sewing, a lot actually, a real lot. The problem is though, I have a deadline to meet, and I cant sew when anyone is around. The kids want to play on the computer but I cant stand the noise yet if I put some music on , this distracts me too.
So instead, I listen to the hum of my machine and my mind ticks over the same events, every single day.
Over and over and over again.
I try to play out different scenarios, I list in my head, all the what ifs.
I ask myself the questions, time and time again.
I literally torture myself about it.
I am all for chances in life yet here I am, a mother.
His mother.
And yet, I didn't give him a chance.
I made a choice and it is now that I still relive that day over and over again.
It was a beautiful morning.
I gave birth.
I drank my newborn in.
His smell, I clearly remember it, even now, yes, almost 10 years on.
His features, his long fingers, his eyelashes, the soft down covering his head and the button nose.
His innocence.
Then there was the bruising, the bruising from being ripped from my womb by his feet, the bruising that in photos, my darling children insist that he needs a bandaid for his sores.
The gentle rise and fall of his chest, as he struggled to take each breath. My tears falling on his beautiful face that flowed so freely from my eyes.
Soft kisses from his daddy and I.
Trying so desperately to tell him we loved him and yet my heart screamed out for someone to do something, anything, please, now. Hurry before it is too late.
Yet I was silent, I cradled a tiny baby in my arms, I watched as his lungs took their final breath and his heart take its very last beat.
Suddenly, he was gone. Just like that.
It was too late and the sobbing started.
My whole entire world, as I had known it, just stopped. His soul was flying free.
The unfairness.
The bitterness.
The sadness.
And now the grief, still just as raw, almost 10 years on.
3 comments:
Dear Mel, there is nothing i can say to take the hurt away, nor can I say i know what you feel.
All I know you did what you could and made the decisions you thought are right.
Unfortunately we can't change history and all the what if's don't help, but I understand that you go through them again and again.
He will ALWAYS be your son, forever in your heart, watching upon you all.
BIG HUG and thought for you and family!!!
Oh, sweet Mel. I can't say anything that will make this better for you. Nothing makes losing him ok. But you had your reasons, and I understand your choice.
I agree, the buildup is usually worse than the day. But that doesn't help either.
I'm thinking of you, beautiful friend. I know it doesn't change anything, but you and your family are in my heart.
I wish I had the words to say everything I feel after reading this post.
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