Desperate

If I be completely honest with myself, I can say without a doubt that there have been times when I really was desperate.

Desperate to have another baby.

At times I have been completely overwhelmed with the desire to have a child within, to nurture a tiny life inside and to go through the throes of labour to cradle a wee babe in my arms at the end.

I don't do pregnancy very well, never have, never will.

I don't gestate very well either, never have never will.

Labour however, I rock at and love it with every ounce of my being.

My desperation stems from feeling incomplete. Yes seriously, I feel incomplete after birthing 6 little hearts and as I am sure you may not think it is possible, it really is.

There have been times when I have been at my darkest hours, where I would dream about ways to have another baby, where I may have even been tempted to just leave everything I have here and start a new life by myself.

Yes, I am ashamed to admit that, I am horrified that I would ever have even considered that, but you have to understand that that was at an all time low and thankfully I realised before it was too late.

So going back to feeling incomplete, I have come to the realisation that I could go back and have another 6 babies and I will never feel complete because my beautiful family is missing one, one that can never be replaced and essentially, that is what I would be doing isn't it? Or trying to do, I mean.

Together, my wonderful husband and I, have come to the conclusion that it clearly is just not safe to go back for just one more, that we would be tempting fate again and nobody can guarantee a happy outcome for us. No amount of surgery in the early days and no amount of hospitalised bed rest could buy us days towards a full term pregnancy and going so early again could risk the health of our child and the well being of our children that are already with us.

In saying all that, it was "our" decision but yet here I am struggling with the fact that that decision has now been completely taken out of our hands and after a constant battle with my doctors, I am now booked in for a hysterectomy on the 16th of November.

*cry*