Filling in the gaps.

I am often asked how many siblings I have, sometimes I say one, when in actual fact there are two but for a long time I have really only had one.

I remember when Paul and I first met, my niece was only about Lucy's age and because my sister had decided she suddenly didn't want to be a mother anymore, my parents had become her carer. Pretty harsh on them really, they are grandparents, first and foremost and suddenly had to stand in as "Mum and Dad". She stayed with them for a few months and it was at this time that I cut ties with my sister, for the first time.

I as a mother myself just simply could not understand how a grown woman would do that? She lived in a little seaside town and lived the single life to the fullest, she didn't have time for a 3 year old dammit! I used to wonder what M thought, whether she would remember this many years later or whether she was just excited to have a normal family life with my parents.

I cant remember how long we weren't talking for? Months and maybe over a year? When she took M back eventually, we used to have her over all the time. She was a great little playmate for TJ, being only 18 months apart. There were times when she was to come and visit for a night but her mother would turn up days later in a screaming rage when we asked why we weren't even contacted and given her whereabouts.

I could never understand why she went through stages where she hated me so much, the only thing I could put it down to was the fact that I was happy with my wonderful partner and he had taken TJ on as his own son. Jennifer never had the experience of that kind of happiness, not until years later.

So it was a few years later and I wasn't talking to her again, I am not sure of the reasons this time, again it seems like so long ago and my mother called to tell me that she had just miscarried. Oh hang on, that's right, I had stopped talking to her because of her abhorrent behaviour in the Delivery suite just minutes after my son had died not long after his birth. She said some things that should not have been said and were totally inappropriate. At the time of her miscarriage she was in a relationship and M was now about 9 I guess? I called her and left a message, you know, the white flag kinda thing? And low and behold she called me back about 3 days later and we chatted like we had always been talking.

Her and her partner got married when she was 12 weeks pregnant again and it was a lovely wedding, we were all so happy for her and thought it was a turning point in her life. Her pregnancy went really well and surprisingly she asked me to be at the birth and what a beautiful birth it was, completely different to M's birth and very peaceful.

Fast forward another 6 weeks and there was a huge performance at her house, I don't need to go into details but in the end, she kicked her husband out. Just a couple more months later another performance occurred and because Police were called, so were family services and then suddenly I had was granted temporary custody of both M and L! I asked her husband to take L, I had just given birth only 6 days before to number 5 myself and couldn't take a 6 month old on as well. It was an absolute struggle and she made it more and more difficult for us in regards to having M and the only person losing out was M herself, again because of her mothers ghastly actions. Eventually L was returned to her but about 3 years later she decided again she didn't want to be a parent again and now he lives permanently with his dad.

One night, Mum, Kerry and I had had a couple of wines, I guess it gave me courage to call her and confront her about a few issues. It seemed fine at first and she was being surprisingly reasonable but then she just turned, like a cat on a mouse she became angry, bitter, twisted and just plain evil. Again she said some shocking things in regards to my dear son and after finally hanging up on her, I vowed that that would be the last time I would ever talk to her again. This time though I had Paul on my side, and he promised to never allow her back into our family fold, if she were to step foot on our property, we would call the police.

We had M for nearly 2 months and then she decided to go to my parents again and then off to Kerry's house again. She lived a nomadic existence and currently lives in WA and is in a very happy relationship herself. She has grown into a beautiful young woman and she only has herself to thank for that.

So now it has been over five years since my last phone call with her, since the day I decided to get out of her toxic life and to move forward with my own family. TJ remembers her, on the odd occasion that the kids see a photo of her, they ask who she is and I find myself saying, "I don't know" because I don't. The girl I grew up with no longer exists, she is buried under the skin of someone who pretty much hates the world she lives in. Two of my girls have never met her and I have no interest in ever letting them meet her.

Do I miss her, no, I really don't, it had been a long time since we were close and I guess I have learnt to adjust to that.
Do I think of her, yes, I do and sometimes quite often, I wonder why she allowed her life to become what it has, whether she will ever wonder what it would be like to have had a normal relationship with her daughter and son and whether she regrets the decisions she has made?

Do i regret cutting loose? No, I don't, my life has been more peaceful and does not need that type of person in it, seriously, it really doesn't.