Eight years today.

I was wanting to write something new for today but my mind has drawn a blank. I feel so consumed with so many emotions and I dont know which one is real. Well I guess they are all real in their own way, each one has a meaning. Its hard, its not getting any easier, I cant believe it was 8 years ago, it seems like yesterday but then sometimes it feels like a lifetime ago. I miss him, I miss what we could have had, I love him dearly and my love only gets stronger.
I received a message from a very dear friend who lost a little boy not too long ago, she said, "As time goes on you feel more forgotten." Bless her, and she is right, people forget, and that is understandable but also very hard.

So instead of coming up with something new, I thought I would post a small story that I wrote 2 years ago about Isaac's due date.

Six years ago today, I should have been getting nervous about the arrival of my little baby.
Six years ago today, we should have been heading to the hospital for our planned induction.
Six years ago today, my husband and I should have celebrated the birth of our first baby together.
Six years ago today, I should have gone through the throes of labour.
Six years ago today, I should have pulled my baby out and brought it to my chest where we were to discover the sex ourselves.
Six years ago today, we should have showered our baby with kisses when we discovered he was a boy.
Six years ago today we should have been able to dream of his future.
Six years ago today, we should have been able to marvel at the perfectness of his little body.
Six years ago today, I should have brought him to my breast to nuture him.
Six years ago today, my eldest child should have been able to rejoice in the fact he had a sibling.
Six years ago today, we should have left the L & D suite to arrive in our room where family were to greet our new arrival.
Six years ago today, we should have been receiving flowers and cards of congratulations on the birth of our son.
Six years ago today, my heart should have ached for the love I had for him.

Instead, my son was pulled from my womb too early, months before.
Instead, my son took breath for only an hour and 18 minutes.
Instead, we were greiving for the little boy we lost.
Instead, our dreams were shattered.
Instead, my heart aches with the pain.

Now, six years after my due date, I am miles away from being able to visit him where he now lays in peace.
Now, six years after my due date, the pain is still there.
Now, six years after my due date, it has not become any easier.
Now, six years after my due date, the tears still flow.
Now, six years after my due date, my heart still aches.

Forever, I will think about him.
Forever, I will miss him.
Forever, I will cry for him.
Forever, my heart will ache.

Isaac, Due 24th March 2000, Born 10th December 1999.